I just had a bit of a scare. I was in my Olympic-sized pool, drifting along with my eyes closed on an inflatable raft that looks like a tropical island, when I heard one of my least favorite sounds in the world: a cat. Or rather, lots of cats, mewing and hissing and growling as those disease-ridden creatures are wont to do.
My eyes flew open in shock, and that’s when I realized that the cats were not alone. Standing in the midst of them was the craziest-looking woman I’ve ever seen. Which is really saying something, when one considers how crazy all women are. She was wearing a lime green hoop skirt, knee-high support hose with cheap Wizard of Oz ruby slippers, and a too-tight pink tube top with a picture of a cat on it. Her Medusa-esque hair flew in all directions, and she pointed a finger at me and cackled once she had my attention.
“Ha ha ha! Not so tough when you’re not hiding behind your blog, are you Carver?”
“What? Who are you? How do you know my name?”
“Oh, I know all about you, Mr. Bigshot Alcoholic Pill-Popping Whoremonger! Yeah, I read that filthy blog of yours. I’ve even left a few comments.”
“Wait, you’re not…”
“Miss Adele? Yes sir. The one and only.”
I felt sick to my stomach. The woman had, after all, made veiled offers of sex in the past, and the only thing that had stopped me from accepting was that I didn’t know where she lived. Though in my defense, she had led me to believe that she resembled Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi. I assure you that no boners would’ve flown in her honor had I known what she really looked like.
“That still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here,” I said.
She flashed an evil grin, and raised one cat in each hand.
“Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m doing! I think the world has had enough of your filthy mouth. So me and my babies? We’re going to–!”
Thanks to my trusted butler, Montgomery, she never got the chance to finish. He’d been sneaking up behind her during our conversation, and chose that moment to take her down with a vicious move that he must have learned during his days as an MI6 operative. Police and animal control officials arrived shortly thereafter to take Adele and her cats into custody, bringing the ugly chapter to a close.
Still, I suppose I should view this as a wakeup call. You’re going to attract a few bat-shit insane moths when you live in the candle flame of the public eye, so maybe it’s time I hire a full time security detail. But the real takeaway is, don’t even consider having sex with a woman until you’ve seen what she looks like. There are a lot of whack jobs on the Internet, and you never know when one is going to cross your path.