Oz's Funhouse » Gonorrhea

I Have The Super-Clap

Oswald Carver — Fri, 07 May 2010 19:32:38 +0000

I just returned from Doc Stinebrau’s office where I had a bit of a scare. It turns out that I didn’t just have the clap, but a new, terrifyingly drug-resistant form of the clap.

Or as I like to call it, gonorrhea.

“Christ almighty, Oz,” Stinebrau said with a bemused look as he pored over some test results. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“What do you mean?” I said, warily. “It’s not AIDS, is it? Because that would really be bullshit, given that I’m neither gay nor a woman.”

“What? No, it’s not AIDS,” he said, lighting a cigarette. “You shouldn’t even joke about that. AIDS isn’t funny.”

“Well, you know what they say.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Comedy happens to you. Tragedy happens to me.”

“In that case, I find what you have to be hilarious,” he said.

“Oh? And what do I have?” I demanded. “Is it gonorrhea or isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s gonorrhea. But goddamn if this sumbitch isn’t resistant to just about everything! Penicillin, tetracycline, erythromycin, ciprofloxacin — nothing’s killing it off! I read about this shit, but didn’t expect to see a case of it in an upper class individual such as yourself.”

“Sweet Nixon’s Ghost,” I said, beginning to get genuinely worried. “Don’t tell me there’s nothing to be done about it?”

“Well, we’ll try some cephalosporins. But if that doesn’t work, you’re fucked!”

Fortunately they did work, and the inflammation is already dissipating. Which means I can get back to banging call girls again tomorrow night. What, you didn’t think I would take this as a wakeup call, did you? Get real, hippies; a life lived in fear isn’t worth living at all. Ta-ta.

All The Symptoms Are There

Oswald Carver — Thu, 06 May 2010 23:01:02 +0000

My urethral meatus is red, I’m discharging pus, and it hurts to pee. No doubt about it: I have gonorrhea.

Oh well. At this point in my life, the clap is like an old, out-of-town friend who always visits at inconvenient times. I’ve made an appointment with Doc Stinebrau for tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be right as rain soon enough.

But in the meantime, no real update for you today. Unless you count hearing about my latest bout with an STD as an update, in which case you are one very sick individual. Seek help.

It Hurts When I Pee

Oswald Carver — Sun, 14 May 2006 01:31:41 +0000

It’s like pissing tacks, I tell you. Which can only mean one thing: I’ve got the clap. Or as I like to call it, gonorrhea.

Ah well. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had it, and it probably won’t be the last. But it does mean a shot of ceftriaxone. In the ass, no less. Unfortunately, Doc Stinebrau says he can’t see me ’til Monday. Which means I get to enjoy another day of screaming every time I take a leak.

Lucky me.