It was my first day back at work since suffering a busted ass. True, Doc Steinbrau wanted me to convalesce for a month, but vultures gather fast ’round empty desks at my company. Besides, today was the quarterly meeting of the department presidents, and I’ll be damned if I was going to let my VP, Sherm Schweinbumser, represent me at such an important event.
Our CEO, Chuck Luddite, got giddy as a schoolgirl when he saw me walk into the executive boardroom. I always was his favorite.
“Oz!” he cried, leaping up and grasping my hand. “Good to have you back, old friend!”
“Glad to be back, Chuck,” I said, giving him a firm two-pumper before grabbing my usual seat at his right hand… only to find the head of Consumer Affairs, Dick Needley, perched smugly in my spot.
“What the–?” I said. “What are you doing in my seat, Needley?”
“Well, hello Oswald,” he said with a leer. “Didn’t Oxy-pect… I mean, expect to see you back so soon.”
“Oh?” I said. “Why so?”
As Needley opened his mouth to reply, I barreled into him with the speed and savageness of a cheetah, knocking him and my chair to the extra-plush carpet below. Before he could react I opened my briefcase, wrapped it around his head, and squeezed with all my might.
“Bleargh!!!” he screeched, hands flailing helplessly as I kneed him in the balls. Just as he was ready to pass out, I yanked the briefcase away and spat in his face.
“Now then, you sorry sack of shit,” I said, pushing myself off the floor. “Get the hell out of my chair or I swear to christ I’ll throw you right out that goddamn window!”
Needley did as he was told, slinking back to his own seat a defeated man. Furthermore, Chuck was so impressed with my decisiveness that he gave me an immediate raise while simultaneously slashing Needley’s salary. With Chuck’s blessing I called Needley’s wife to break the news to her, and was rewarded with the sweet sound of her tears — thus completing the Conan Trifecta.
All of which proves you should never be afraid to use violence in the workplace. Your enemies don’t expect it, and it’ll go a long ways towards differentiating you from the madding crowd. Believe me.