Seriously though, has there ever been a cooler President? Reunited the country by force, stood taller than Shaq, sported that crazy Dr. Zaius beard, wrote the Gettysburg Address — my man was a stone cold thriller, through and through.
Plus, who can forget the time he teamed up with Kirk and Spock on that Star Trek rerun? Or his pivotal role in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Anyone who says they can is a filthy goddamn liar, and I might just punch them in the mouth if they’re not careful. And though many dead Presidents have national monuments, his is the only one that looks like the honoree. Well, not counting that fruitcake Jefferson. What does that tell you, hmm?
It tells you Abe rules, all others drool. And no, I haven’t been into my Oxy stash. Even if I have, so what? Thanks to great men like Abraham Lincoln, it’s a free country.