Coming Clean

Wondering where I’ve been for the past week? Fine, I’ll tell you: I’ve been “drying out.” That’s right, rehab. Why? Well, for my, uh, OxyContin add… add… Look, I don’t have to spell it out for you, do I? Let’s just say I like the Oxys and leave it…

Hmphf. My case worker says I have to tell you. Says it’s part of the “recovery process.” Whatever. Look, I’m hooked on the Oxy, okay? I like the Oxy. Love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. Which isn’t illegal in and of itself, but getting prescriptions for them from multiple doctors? Yeah, apparently that’s just as illegal here as it is in my main man Rush Limbaugh’s home state, Florida. So me and my lawyers went to talk to a judge and the state’s lawyers, and it was eventually decided that no charges would be brought… assuming I successfully completed this infernal rehab program.

Oh well. I can’t say it’s been all bad. There’s a few celebrities here — Corey Haim, Sally Struthers, one of George Foreman’s kids — but what I’m interested in are all the young female drug addicts roaming around. They’re very vulnerable, see. And poor. Two traits that play rather nicely to my strengths.

Yes, well, that certainly drew a disapproving stare from my case worker. She wants me to delete that last part, but I’m a very fast typist and my obese shoulders are more than enough to keep her scrawny arms from reaching the keyboard. See you later; I’m off to bang some recovery sluts.

Categories: Dating, Drugs, Legal

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