Goddamn beatniks. Ever since Obama got elected, they are destroying the very fabric of this proud, bloodthirsty nation. And I, for one, won’t stand for it.
Take this morning, for example. Suffering from a hangover that I feared might be contagious, I made a run to my nearest McDonald’s. Which isn’t very “near,” mind you; I don’t live close to poor people. At any rate, some scraggly bearded, tousle-haired freak came running up to the passenger side of my Hummer as I was waiting in the drive-thru, and had the unmitigated gall to rap his greasy knuckles against my pristine window.
Still, the lad had piqued my curiosity. I powered down the glass.
“Hey, hey mister,” he whispered furtively. “Hey, you need anything?”
“Of course I do,” I said. “Why else would I be at a McDonald’s?”
“No man, I mean — you need some smoke? ‘Ludes? Got some tabs too, if that’s your thing.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said. “In just a year since that Kenyan-born fascist dictator took office, society has already deteriorated to the point where people of your station feel comfortable selling illegal drugs in broad daylight in the parking lots of such iconic American eateries as this? Is that what I’m to understand?”
“Look man, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said nervously. Then his eyes widened with shock and fear. “Wait a second. You’re a cop, aren’t you?”
“No,” I assured him. “But I am a culture warrior. That said, I’ll take some Oxys if you have them.”
Which he did, and ten minutes later I was headed back to my palatial estate with a sack full of delicious Egg McMuffins and a small handful of my recreational drug of choice. The only downside is I have Obama to thank for the latter. Not that I ever would, of course. I have my limits.