“Mistah Boss! Mistah Boss!”
This was my houseboy, Kang, but I was in no mood for his shenanigans. Not with the big Steinkenblaut presentation coming up later this afternoon.
“Goddammit Kang,” I said, eyes fastened to my morning paper. “How many times do I have to tell you: el no disturb-o during-o el breakfast-o, you halfwit!”
He made with a burst of the rapid hissing and spitting sounds that pass for language in his native country, then added: “Me bleeding, fatso! And me no speak Mexican!”
I looked up. Sure enough, the lad was lying in a pool of his own blood in front of the kitchen sink. More disturbingly, he was really making a mess of the place.
“What the hell is all this?” I demanded. “You’d better not be goldbricking just to get some time off.”
“Me no brick gold, asshole! Catch hand in garbage disposal — big time disfigured for life! Me need help!”
I sighed and tossed the paper down in disgust. “Alright, alright, calm down. Let’s go over your options.”
“Options? Is no options, Mistah Boss! You take me hospital! You take me now!”
“Hospital?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “When did you get health insurance?”
“No health insurance! You say you no pay for it!”
“Of course I don’t pay for your insurance. As I’ve tried to explain to you numerous times, you’re an independent contractor. Say it with me: in-dee-pen…”
“God fuck your pendant compactors! Hospital! Now!”
I sighed again and whipped out my cellphone. “Fine. I’ll call an ambulance. But don’t come crying to me when you’re still paying off this little accident of yours 80 years from now. Frankly, I’d try to make do with an ACE bandage and some Bactine if I were in your indigent shoes.”
Twenty minutes later, Kang was being carted off and I was on my way to work, shrewdly refusing to sign anything before I left. Typical liberal, expecting to enjoy the same quality of life to which those of us with gumption and drive are entitled. Good thing all that talk of “affordable health care for everyone” died in its crib or they’d be getting it, too.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. This Internet porn isn’t going to watch itself, after all.