This Won’t Do

“Great scott!” I gasped upon seeing my houseboy, Kang, sprawled on the living room sofa this morning. He was eating a bag of Doritos and watching Hannah Montana, with a dozen empty cans of Colt 45 and an overflowing, cigarette butt-filled ashtray on the coffee table in front of him. “When did you get out of the hospital?”

“Been here since yesterday afternoon, Mistah Boss,” he sneered. “You just too stupid to notice. Now shut fat mouth! Me wait hours to see American white trash slut naked, and me no want to miss it!”

“Hannah Montana never gets naked. Trust me. And who do you think you’re talking to?”

“Me talk to asshole boss who no offer health plan, that who!”

“Why you ungrateful little shit. If it weren’t for me, you’d no doubt be working as a human toilet in some AIDS-infested brothel back in your home country! Is that what you want?!”

“Maybe me do, Mistah Boss! At least me no have… this!

With that, Kang jumped off the couch and raised his left arm in the air, spilling Doritos everywhere. Apparently the doctors had been unable to save the hand, and replaced it with a hideous prosthetic hook.

“Good god,” I said. “Put that thing away. It’s making me sick!”

“Make you sick? Make me sick! Doctors say, ‘Where your insurance? We save hand if you have insurance.’ Me say, ‘Me no have insurance! Have cheap boss!’ Doctors say, ‘Ha ha, then we give you hook!’ Hook, Mistah Boss! They give me hook!

“Alright, alright,” I said, waving him back while stifling my gag reflex. “Tell you what: take the rest of the day off. Heck, take two days.”

“Two days? That it? Be real shame if me sleep walk and put hook in your eye!”

“Fine. A week. But no more than that!”

“Okay, Mistah Boss,” he said, sinking back into the couch. “We have deal. Now go away! Hannah Montana sure to get naked any second!”

I have to admit I feel a bit bad about his situation, even though it’s hardly my fault that the lad isn’t industrious enough to get a decent job with health benefits. Still, it’s definitely time to find a new houseboy. I know I’ve threatened to do so many times in the past, but now that Kang’s a walking timebomb of eye-stabbing fury, it’s jumped to the top of my to-do list. Let me know if you’re interested in the position.

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Categories: Health, Idiots, Servants

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