Help Wanted

Incredibly wealthy bon vivant seeks energetic, hard-working private butler.


  • Understand that the utmost in confidentiality and discretion is absolutely mandatory.
  • Proactive and anticipatory; a flexible self-starter who won’t goof off without constant supervision.
  • World-class mixology skills, particularly when it comes to martinis and Old Fashioneds.
  • Mastery of the English language, preferably as their native tongue.
  • Computer literate, including the ability to administrate a blog and respond to fan mail in a timely manner.
  • No holier-than-thou attitude, at least not while interacting with the employer.
  • Possession of all hands, feet, fingers, toes and limbs. Anyone with prosthetics and especially “hook hands” will not be accepted. This cannot be stressed enough.
  • Extensive battlefield medicine training.
  • Suave British accent is a plus.

Job Description:

The successful candidate will:

  • Have previous experience in fine mansions.
  • Assume final responsibility for the mansion, maintain orderly operation and meticulous appearance of staff and systems.
  • Act as single point of contact for principals.
  • Serve mixed drinks on demand with no rolling of the eyes no matter how many drinks are demanded.
  • Turn a blind eye to any prescription drug experimentation or visiting ladies of the night.
  • Seven-day work week; the position is salaried without health benefits and requests for overtime will not be entertained.


  • Negotiable. To a point.

To apply, please post your resume as a comment on this listing, or fax it to Mr. Oswald Carver, President of U.S. Marketing, Offices of Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs (LCF). Wimps, weirdos, and whiners need not apply.

Categories: Servants

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