Help Wanted

By Oswald Carver on February 19, 2010

Incredibly wealthy bon vivant seeks energetic, hard-working private butler.

Requirements:

Understand that the utmost in confidentiality and discretion is absolutely mandatory.
Proactive and anticipatory; a flexible self-starter who won’t goof off without constant supervision.
World-class mixology skills, particularly when it comes to martinis and Old Fashioneds.
Mastery of the English language, preferably as their native tongue.
Computer literate, including the ability to administrate a blog and respond to fan mail in a timely manner.
No holier-than-thou attitude, at least not while interacting with the employer.
Possession of all hands, feet, fingers, toes and limbs. Anyone with prosthetics and especially “hook hands” will not be accepted. This cannot be stressed enough.
Extensive battlefield medicine training.
Suave British accent is a plus.

Job Description:

The successful candidate will:

Have previous experience in fine mansions.
Assume final responsibility for the mansion, maintain orderly operation and meticulous appearance of staff and systems.
Act as single point of contact for principals.
Serve mixed drinks on demand with no rolling of the eyes no matter how many drinks are demanded.
Turn a blind eye to any prescription drug experimentation or visiting ladies of the night.
Seven-day work week; the position is salaried without health benefits and requests for overtime will not be entertained.

Salary:

Negotiable. To a point.

To apply, please post your resume as a comment on this listing, or fax it to Mr. Oswald Carver, President of U.S. Marketing, Offices of Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs (LCF). Wimps, weirdos, and whiners need not apply.