Every now and then, life gently cups your balls, blows softly in your ear, and reminds you just how good it can be. And I have a feeling it’ll be doing quite a lot of that over the next few days.
For one thing, with no pressing matters to attend to down at the offices of Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, I’ve decided to treat myself to a three day weekend. True, things usually go to hell when I leave my vice president, Sherm Schweinbumser, in charge, but there’s only so much damage he can do in one day.
Moreover, I just placed a call to Pete’s Poontang Emporium and they’re sending a trio of “Catholic school girls” to my palatial estate for the duration. You know, in honor of Lent. Don’t forget to bring your toothbrushes, ladies! Not that your mouths will have a lot of free time, but still.
Also on tap: a gross of OxyContin tablets from my new connection, Skynyrd Dave. You might remember him as the character I met in the parking lot of McDonald’s last week. I generally have a strict policy against doing business with the poor unless I’m in the market for whores or fast food, but given the bad rap that doctor shopping has gotten in recent years, I’ve had to become more flexible in that regard.
Oh, and as to my other little problem. Let’s just say you won’t be hearing any more about Kang, and I have nothing to say about any squirming duffel bags that may or may not have been thrown out of a moving vehicle in front of the local offices of the Department of Immigration. I do hope to have a full-fledged butler hired soon; I’ve certainly learned my lesson about trying to go the cheap route with a foreign-born houseboy.
Anyhow, time for a quick Speedo wax before my dates arrive. If you’re in the neighborhood this weekend, by all means — don’t stop by.