After narrowing my list of potential butler candidates down to five, I took some time this afternoon to watch Tiger Woods’ “apology” video. A few things came to mind.
First and foremost, it’s always disturbing to see a wealthy, self-made man apologize for chasing strange. If we weren’t meant to have it, it wouldn’t be so willing to drop its panties in exchange for gaudy baubles and cheap champagne, now would it?
Secondly, that man is the least convincing public speaker I’ve ever seen. Hell, sentiments expressed by hostages in al Qaeda videos are more believable than the long line of obvious bullshit that stammered out of Woods’ mouth yesterday. And what in the name of Joslyn James’ bolt-on tits does his dad’s dream of helping under-educated youths have to do with banging loose women? If you’re going to stand up and lie to a national audience, at least stay on topic.
Speaking of which: Buddhism? What? Why not pledge allegiance to Vladimir Putin while you’re at it, commie.
Third, though she didn’t appear on stage with him, I’d like to make it clear that I’m more than willing to give Elin Woods as many of my trademarked naked massages as she might need to get over this deplorable situation. Call me, Elin — I have a tub of heated body oil with your name on it whenever you’re ready.
Last but not least, I hope that Woods’ alleged new-found commitment to fidelity will keep him out of America’s clubhouses for another few months at minimum. As an avid golfer, I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to finish up 18 holes, only to find that all the quality trim is already partying in Woods’ suite. A lot more of the good stuff has been available since November, and I’d like it to stay that way for at least a little longer.
On that note, time for me to shore up my foursome for tomorrow. I have a new 1-iron I’ve been dying to try out, and I’m not just talking about my long game. Ha-cha.