Dire news, freedom-lovers: the United Soviet Socialist Republic of General Motors has announced that plans to sell the venerable Hummer line to the Red Chinese have fallen through. Which means that my vehicle brand of choice will cease to exist sometime in the near future. A sad day for America, and a very sad day for me.
Oh well. Probably for the best if handing it over to China was the only viable option. Still, I feel like “Chaz” Bono just kneed me in the groin in a misguided attempt to make me her girlfriend. And it leaves unanswered the question of what I’ll be driving once I’m ready for a new luxury SUV later this year.
I suppose I could switch to an Escalade, but nothing says “screw you and your tree-hugging ways, you bearded, patchouli-smelling freaks” like rolling large in an American-made juggernaut named after a sex act. Take the 2009 model I currently drive. That fat bastard gets less than eight miles to the gallon. Eight! And frankly, I find it to be too fuel efficient. I kept hoping the Hummer engineers would find some way to cut it down to about one mile to the gallon, but I guess that dream is now as dead as the line itself.
That tears it. Time to head over to Madame Ching’s House of Exotic Massage and vent my frustration on some of their Mao-loving employees. Better hope your sister’s not working there tonight — it’s going to get ugly.