The Founding Fathers. Ayn Rand. Senator Joseph McCarthy. Moses.
You know what these people had in common? No, it’s not that they were batshit insane. No, it’s not that they were lesbians (though I assume Rand was). And no, to the best of my knowledge they were not in the Ku Klux Klan.
Their common bond? They all invested heavily in gold. And if they were alive today, I’m sure they would join myself and fellow conservative icon Glenn Beck in recommending that you buy your gold from the trustworthy, stalwart Americans at Goldline International.
Why gold, you ask? What are you, stupid? Are you to tell me that you haven’t noticed that the White House has been usurped by a Kenyan-born communist who plans to socialize all private industry, so as to throw our once proud nation into a state of civil war? And that, even as I type, Islamic terrorists and the Red Chinese may very well be plotting a joint invasion of our spacious skies, amber waves of grain, and purple mountain majesties? If not, then I assume you’re either a liberal or in a coma, and therefore not worth my time.
When the hammer comes down — and it will! — how much do you think your paper money, or your stocks, or your “priceless” collection of vintage comic books are going to be worth? I’ll tell you what: not a goddamn cent. Which is why smart investors are climbing all over each other for the chance to add real gold from Goldline International to their portfolio. And by “portfolio,” I mean stockpiled in the bomb shelter between a case of Cheez Whiz and the gas masks. Because only a moron would trust socialized Obama banks.
So stop being stupid, stop being un-American, and call Goldline International at 1-877-376-2646 today for your free investor kit. And be sure to tell them Oswald Carver sent you. It won’t get you any special discount, but they might start paying me for my endorsement if enough people mention my name. Call today!