This Pundit For Hire

The very fact that you’re reading this blog is a strong indicator that you’re well-versed in current events. I’m not the type of person who appeals to morons, after all. Nor to whiny liberals, but that’s redundant. And I don’t suppose that teetotalers, Jesus freaks, butch lesbians or the poor want much to do with me either. But that’s not the point.

The point is, you’re probably up to speed on the in-party challenge that maverick G.O.P. senator John McCain faces in Arizona, courtesy of Christian Talibaner J.D. Hayworth. Furthermore, you’re no doubt aware that Macca recently brought in some big names to stump for him, including Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson and Jeb Bush, and that he’s working on deals with the unstoppable one-two punch of Hank Williams, Jr. and Ted Nugent.

Well, as of this morning, you can add one more name to that illustrious list: Oswald Jameson Carver III. The senator has enlisted my aid, and I’ll be heading to the Grand Canyon State tomorrow morning to help him drum up some votes.

Not that I have any real affection for the old buzzard — losing G.O.P. presidential candidates make me sick to my considerable stomach. Especially when they get beat by Kenyan-born socialist dictators. But he and my late father were longtime drinking buddies, so I suppose I feel some sense of family obligation in that regard. It doesn’t hurt that he’s flying me down on a private jet and paying a very handsome “speaking fee,” either.

Anyhow, I’ll try to update from the road, but don’t count on it. I tend to forget myself when I’m out of town, and this might be my last chance to take care of one of the final items on my bucket list: stomping the living shit out of notorious Hells Angels poster child Ralph “Sonny” Barger, who apparently resides in Cave Creek. We’ll see.

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Categories: Motivation, Politics

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