Speech Transcript, 3-12-10

The following speech was given by conservative pundit Oswald J. Carver III at the Phoenix, AZ Walmart Super Center the evening of March 12, 2010, ostensibly in support of Republican Senator John McCain. It is believed that the speaker in question was quite inebriated on alcohol and possibly other substances:

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I have a question for all of you. I want to know:

How many people here like to take a taste of alcohol?

[Loud cheering.]

Alright. I know it’s so infernally goddamn hot in this state that you always need something to cool you off. There must be some people out there who like to drink tequila, am I right?

[More cheering. A few guns are fired into the air. It was later reported that one of the bullets, upon returning to Earth, inadvertently killed an 87-year-old WWII veteran two miles away.]

Okay, simmer down. I was talking to the Senator backstage before, and he was telling me that a lot of you people like to drink vodka and orange juice.

[Still more cheering. Someone is heard screaming, “You’re ripping off Paul Stanley’s intro to ‘Cold Gin’ from Alive!, asshole!”]

But let me tell you something: when you’re down in the dumps, and Christian Talibaners are trying to take over your state, and you need something to bring you up, there’s only one thing that’s going to do it the way you want it:

OxyContin!

[Audience silence.]

Wait. I mean: John Sidney McCain!

[Spattered clapping.]

Yes. For us, there are only two possibilities: either we remain true Republicans or we come under the thumb of the Christian Right. This latter must not occur; even if we are small, we are a force. A well-organized group can conquer a strong enemy. If we stick close together and keep bringing in new people, we will be victorious over Jesus freaks like J.D. Hayworth!

[Mixture of cheers and boos. Someone is heard screaming, “Now you’re ripping off Hitler, you fat Nazi pig!”]

Now then, a special question for the ladies: who wants to get pregnant? Though bear in mind that I have no intention of paying child support if you do.

[Extended booing. A menagerie of objects are thrown at the stage as Carver is forcibly removed by McCain reelection staffers. End transcript.]

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Categories: Drugs, Politics

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