I’m pleased to report that I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a very harrowing weekend at sea. However, my attorneys have asked me to avoid discussing any new criminal charges which may or may not have been filed against me during the past couple days. So. Don’t ask.
Though I will say that the Coast Guard might as well wear Nazi uniforms for all the interest they have in upholding our nation’s values. I’d complain, but what’s the point? This is, after all, Obama’s America.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m dying to change out of this Speedo; I’ve been wearing it for nearly 48 hours and seem to have developed a full-body rash as a result. Good night.