When I awoke this morning, I realized something that I’ve probably known all along had I ever stopped to think about it: despite my vast wealth, possessions, rabid womanizing and freewheeling bachelor lifestyle, I am an empty vessel. None of it truly brings me joy. None of it brings me peace.
But no longer. From this moment on, I am dedicating myself to the Lord in the hopes that he might fill me up where the temptations of the flesh have not. Moreover, I am donating all of my worldly riches to the Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus, located somewhere in Los Angeles. Finally, I’ve decided to leave the Republican Party and throw in with the Democrats, as they’re the only ones who truly care about those who need our help the most.
Oh, also: vegetarianism.
And if you believe all that, perhaps you should check your calendar. In the meantime, I’m going to snort a rail of crushed-up Oxys off the lushest pair of ginormous boobs I can rent, then celebrate by eating an animal raised in the most inhumane conditions possible before crank-calling Dennis Kucinich and drinking myself into oblivion. Good day to you.