This won’t come as a surprise to those who follow the Nielsen Blog Ratings, but my little soapbox here has been a smash hit since it returned in February. The upside is, tons of topless pictures from admiring female followers. The downside is, a veritable flood of fan mail that requires sorting, reading, and — in some cases — responding.
Fortunately, my butler Montgomery takes care of most of the heavy lifting on the first two, and is also in charge of canned responses. You know, a short-and-sweet form letter that offers thanks for the writer’s continued support. However, going forward, the cream of each month’s crop will receive personalized responses from yours truly. We’ll start things off with some selected missives from March 2010:
I simply cannot say enough good things about Oz’s Funhouse. What an inspiration! I’ve been in the punditry game since ’84 and I’ve seen a lot of challengers come and go in that time, but none have inspired as much awe and jealousy in me as you do. Talk about talent on loan from God! Please keep up the good work; our nation needs your keen insights and staunch patriotism now more than ever.
P.S. How do you get around those silly “doctor shopping” statutes? I’d love to know your secret.
Consider it done, R.L. Though the liberal drive-by media would like nothing more than to see me disappear, you have my word that I’ll be around for a long time. As for “doctor shopping,” I’m not sure what you mean. All of my medications are prescribed by a licensed M.D., though I do sometimes find it necessary to supplement them with the help of some secondary market entrepreneurs. I suggest you hit up Craigslist if you’re not getting everything you need from the medical community.
Dear Big Sexy,
Most men who have known me biblically seem to think my vagina is like sandpaper, but it gushes like a waterfall every time I read your blog. Hope to run into you at a Tea Party rally soon.
Thanks, and totally understandable. However, if “A.C.” stands for “Ann Coulter,” bear in mind that I don’t sleep with transvestite skeletons.
Dear Mister Carver,
My mommy and daddy say you are a righteous man who does good work for our country. Does this mean you know Jesus? Can you get me his autograph?
Timmy (Age 6)
Might as well ask me if I can get autographs from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny while you’re at it, Timmy. I hope your parents are proud of the fact that they’re raising an idiot. That said, one of my gardeners is named Jesus (pronounced “Hay-zeus”) and I can certainly get you his autograph if you’re interested and promise to stop being an asshole.
Okay, I guess that’s it for this month. Keep the letters coming!