Speech Transcript, 4-15-10

On the afternoon of April 15, 2010, conservative pundit Oswald J. Carver III gave the following speech while attending a Tea Party Patriot rally near his hometown of [redacted]. Though Mr. Carver claims he was asked to speak by event organizers, a number of onlookers have testified that he wrestled the microphone out of the hands of an aging Vietnam War veteran.

Good afternoon, my fellow Tea Party Patriots!

[Scattered cheering, intermingled with angry shouts pertaining to the alleged rough treatment of the previous speaker.]

What’s it like to have bad taste?

[Audience silence.]

That was a joke. But you know what’s not a joke? There’s a Kenyan-born fascist dictator with his filthy hands in your wallet as I speak, and he’s not taking them out until he has every one of your hard-earned dollars!

[Loud cheering.]

Or at least thirty-five percent or so. Which is still too much!

[More applause.]

I don’t know about you, but I only make about thirty million a year. By the time the federal government has its take? I’m left with a paltry nineteen-point-five million. And I call bullshit on that!

[Subdued applause.]

Or at least I would be left with nineteen-point-five, if my accountants weren’t so good at hiding my assets. But that’s not the point. The point is…

Wait, what was the point? Oh yes. Many of you have probably noticed that my balls are hanging out of my trousers.

[Shocked reactions from the crowd, many of whom had apparently not previously noticed this fact.]

That’s right. And you’re probably asking yourself: “Why are his balls hanging out?”

Well, I’ll tell you why!

Because this is America! And they can have my balls when they pry them from my cold, dead hands!

[Many audience members, particularly those who attended the rally with their children, are seen vacating the area.]

And why in the hell is prostitution still considered a crime! It’s the 21st century goddammit, and if I want to pay some whore to–wait, what are you doing? I’m not done yet!

[Mr. Carver is tackled and tasered by a detachment of police officers.]

Get your goddamn hands off my neck, you fascists! God bless America!

[End transcript.]

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Categories: Culture, Dating, Motivation, Politics, Violence

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