My Party Was A Huge Success

Not really a surprise, but those lucky enough to be invited are already heralding my gala ball as the social event of the year thus far. For everyone but me, that is, as I learned from my close, personal friend and country music legend Hank Williams, Jr. earlier this morning.

“Goddamn, Oz,” he said, after I found him relaxing by my pool about an hour ago. “That’s what ol’ Randall Hank calls a damn good party. Hat’s off, son!”

“Everyone had a good time, I take it?”

“Good time? Are you shitting me? People were just about biting their own goddamn heads off, they was having so much fun!”

“Excellent, excellent,” I said, helping myself to the pitcher of Bloody Marys at his elbow. “But do me a favor.”

“Anything, son!”

“Stop shouting — I’m terribly hung over. It feels as though Maude Demaine herself was dancing on my head.”

“Maude De-who?”

“Maude Demaine, wife of the noted oilman Demaine.”

“Don’t know her.”

“You’re not missing anything. Unless elephantine women with eye warts and string mustaches are your thing.”

“No, they sure as hell ain’t. Ol’ Hank likes ’em young and pretty, son! Wait a second.”

“Yes?”

“Ain’t she the one who was polishing your horn in the hot tub last night?”

“Polishing my horn?” I gasped. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Haw haw!” he laughed, slapping his thigh for emphasis as hillbillies are wont to do. “You don’t remember, do you?”

“I don’t remember anything! Dear god!”

“Yeah, and the worst part is, you didn’t even get to finish! Some skinny old dude pulled her off a’ya. I think it was her husband.”

For the first and hopefully last time in my life, I actually shrieked. “Demaine?! Demaine caught us in flagrante delicto?!”

“I don’t know what the hell that last part means, but he definitely caught y’all with your pole in her mouth. I just about bust a gut when I saw that, son!”

I blacked out at that point, and the next thing I knew, my butler Montgomery was frantically waving smelling salts under my nose. Hank was gone by then, and I can only hope that he either misunderstood or was exaggerating this alleged incident involving the Demaines. Because if he wasn’t, I’m probably a dead man — I’ll let you know.

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Categories: Culture, Dating, Drugs, Leisure, Servants

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