I was doing my daily self-check for strange growths on my testicles earlier, and thought I felt a lump. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out to be a large wad of gum sticking to the hairs.
I was a bit confused by this at first, but then I remembered that one of the two call girls I rented last night at Pete’s Poontang Emporium — Mandy? Sandy? Candy? something like that — was a serious gum-chewer. I guess the gum must have fallen out while she was performing her duties. Whew.
Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that I’m okay; no need to send cards, flowers, or anything else. Well, topless pictures wouldn’t hurt if you’re an attractive female. Otherwise, don’t trouble yourself on my account. I’m fine.