April Fan Mail

Continuing a popular new feature introduced last month, I will now take some time out of my busy schedule to personally respond to the cream of April’s fan mail crop. Everyone else who wrote just gets an autographed picture and a rubber-stamped form letter. Unless they sent hate mail, in which case they’ll receive a box with a real live turd in it.

Anyhow, onward and upward:

Dear Oswald–

My panties get wet every time I read your blog, y’know? You can drill for oil in my Alaskan wilderness any time you want!

Your #1 fan,

S.P.

I’ll be on the next jet out of town.

Hey Carve-meister–

I applaud you for standing up and telling it like it is re: Obama being responsible for the big Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The man hates white people, he’s turning our country into a socialist oligarhy [sic], and he scares me to death. Anyhow, I was wondering if you’d like to be a guest on my show in the near future? Radio or TV, your choice. Heck, why not both?

Also, I love the taste of my own feces. Just putting that out there and hoping that you’re a fellow traveler.

Keep the faith,

G.B.

I’d sooner shove bamboo slivers into my own toenails than come within arm’s reach of someone as crazy as you. A restraining order has been filed with your name on it. (Also, “oligarchy” is spelled with a “c,” you moron.)

Dear Mr. Carver–

I’m a proud, white, female conservative honor student who’s graduating high school this summer, and I’d like to choose a career path that will enable me to make the country a better place. What do you recommend?

Thanks,

T.M.

Easy: stripping. Also, learning to overcome your gag reflex wouldn’t hurt. Unless you’re ugly, in which case, i don’t know, become a prison guard? Just do us all a favor and stay away from finance and politics; there are too many women in those fields as it is.

Okay, that’s it for this month. Keep those letters and emails coming!

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Categories: Dating, Idiots, Motivation, Politics, Site News

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