America The Beautiful

If you’re a foreigner, chances are you’re going to spend today eating fish & rice, smoking low-grade cigarettes, paying outrageous taxes, and watching and/or playing soccer. Because that’s how you roll. Meanwhile, here in America, we’ll be enjoying grilled meat, fast cars, obnoxiously large breasts, and explosions of varying degrees, all while consuming approximately 25% of the world’s resources despite having less than 5% of the population.

Why? Because we rule, that’s why. Q.E.D.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know? Today’s our national Independence Day. So the Kim Jong-ils and Mahmoud Ahmadinejads of the world would do well to avoid making any trouble, lest they want a billion megatons or so of high-grade death dropped on their pointy little heads. Hoo-rah.

As to yours truly, I’ll be out on my yacht, the Donkey Punch II, with an Asian whore, a Middle Eastern whore, an African whore, a European whore, a Mexican whore and, most assuredly, a Native American whore, subjecting them to all sorts of cruel and unusual sexcapades while dining on the charred meat of several endangered species. In short: there will be blood. Toot toot.

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Categories: Culture, Dating, Leisure

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