You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes went up on people making $250k, $400k, $1M, or even $20M a year, a fat, rich, white man like me was going to wind up paying more.
Why? Because to paraphrase Kanye West — Comrade Hussein Marx Obama doesn’t care about fat, rich, white people.
I for one am sick of his callous behavior. Hey Obama, I’ve got news for you: Benjamin Franklin was a fat, rich, white person, too. But I guess trampling on America’s Founding Fathers is just something all the cool, dope-sucking Kenyan Maoists are doing these days.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. I know they say it’s gauche to talk salary, but I don’t mind telling you that I pull in a minimum of $50M a year. With the new top tax rate, I only get to keep $30.2M of that $50M. $30.2M! What the fuck am I supposed to do with chump change like that? Do you waterheads have any idea how much yachts and private islands cost these days?
Fortunately, all of my income is from capital gains, which means I pay a top rate of 20 percent. And that’s only on the portion that’s not funneled to offshore bank accounts. So to be honest, this really isn’t affecting me too much. Still, it’s the principle of the thing.
And regardless of my specific circumstances, a power grab like this deserves retaliation. Therefore, I’ve cut all of my employees’ salaries by 39.6 percent and assured the males that I will personally impregnate their wives before the year is through. If they don’t like it, they can lump it.
Speaking of lumping it, I do believe I just crapped my pants. Probably due to the wild excitement I feel each time I think about impregnating my workers’ wives. Especially that Ivette Laudermilk. Man, what a set of hooters.
Alright, time for me to track down my butler and have him change my shorts. Try not to break anything while I’m gone, freeloaders.