I Think I’ve Been Hacked By The Red Chinese

I suppose I should have been more on my guard what with all the recent reports of cyber-espionage being perpetrated by the Yellow Menace against various American corporations. Nevertheless, I was quite surprised to find evidence of such activity at my own business, Carver Consolidated Capital (C3).

This startling revelation came to me earlier this morning. I was in my plush penthouse office, planning the hostile acquisition of another ripe plum, when I began to hear odd whispering sounds emanating from under my desk. After taking a slug of the Dutch Courage, I crouched down to get to the bottom of this mystery — only to come face-to-face with a gentleman of Asian descent.

“See here,” I said. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Hmm?” he said. “Nothing. I mean, uh, cleaning. Yes. I’m part of the cleaning staff.”

“Cleaning staff? They come around at night. And what’s all that equipment you have with you?”

“What equipment?” he said, furiously pushing various electronics behind his back.

“The equipment you just placed behind you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh? Then why are you holding the business end of a stethoscope against my computer case?”

“Pardon? Oh, this.” He smiled wanly, removed the stethoscope from around his neck, and placed it in his pocket. “That’s not a stethoscope. It’s an iPod.”

“An i–? Wait a second. You’re one of those Chinese hackers, aren’t you?”

“Ha ha,” he said, beads of sweat forming on his brow. “Of course not. I’m obviously Korean, which you would know if you Yankee imperialist dogs weren’t all such racists.”

“Yes, well, innate American prejudices aside, that doesn’t explain why you’re wearing a Chinese army uniform.”

“Oh, that. Ahh…hrm… 掉哪媽! 頂硬上!”

At that point, the slippery little devil threw something to the ground. There was a blinding flash and billowing clouds of smoke and by the time I could see again, he was long gone. Or possibly hiding in the air conditioning vents. One of the two.

Regardless of where he went, one thing is clear: I need to talk to my tech staff about battening down the hatches, and no mistake. After all, my computer is a veritable Library of Alexandria of Internet porn, and I certainly wouldn’t want it falling into the wrong hands — our country’s security may very well depend on it. Selah.

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