I Won’t Lie, It’s Great To Be The One Percent

Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) employs an exact total of 100 people, including me, and once a month I like to treat everyone to lunch. Sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes it’s Mexican, sometimes it’s subs. Today I decided to splurge for steak, and at precisely 12 p.m. the catering service rolled in 100 delicious steak dinners complete with baked potatoes, salad, and bread.

Understand that I don’t host these monthly meals out of generosity; in fact, I pay for them with money that might otherwise go to employee salaries. No, I use them to drive home an important reminder to my employees vis-à-vis where they stand in the grand order of things, and today was no exception.

As per usual custom, I arranged to meet the caterers in the company dining hall a good 15 minutes before my workers were scheduled to arrive. I then ordered the slovenly food workers to place 40 of the steaming trays on my personal table, leaving the other 60 on a large buffet stand for the other 99 people to fight over.

Sure enough, the result was complete chaos. For example, two of my VPs, Sherm Schweinbumser and Bob Laudermilk, all but came to blows as they tried to secure the same meal. Some of the craftier workers managed to score two or more dinners for themselves, while others — and their communistic ways will certainly be remembered at their quarterly reviews — took it upon themselves to share.

Most deliciously of all, though, were the numerous hard-working slobs who had to go completely without. A couple of them even lowered themselves to trashcan-diving to get whatever scraps others had tossed out. Ha! Simply hilarious.

Through it all, I sat and chortled, feeding ravenously on the 40 steak dinners that were piled high around me. But even with my legendary appetite and impressive girth, I was only able to finish 12 or so before calling it a day, after which I directed the caterers to destroy the rest. After all, they were my steaks. Just because I couldn’t use them doesn’t mean I was going to share.

The point of this exercise? As previously indicated, I like to remind the 99 percent about their place in life — and my omnipotent place in their lives. Plus, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m morbidly obese and wouldn’t be able to maintain that impressive weight if I didn’t gorge myself at every opportunity.

What can I say? Life is good when you’re the king. I’d invite you to try for yourself but let’s face it, you have 99 percent written all over you. Good luck and good day.

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Categories: Business, Food, Idiots, Motivation

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