Ah, you’ve arrived — glad you could make it. Help yourself to the brandy and grab a seat; we have important matters to discuss.
You see, Beef Products Inc. (BPI) — a company with a quintessentially patriotic name — has launched a brave legal struggle against the seditious louts at ABC. An acronym which, given that network’s ongoing staunch support for Comrade Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung, clearly stands for American Bolshevikian Communists. But I digress.
The roots of this lawsuit go back to about a year ago, when
pioneering lesbian alleged heterosexual Diane Sawyer made the perplexing decision to slander BPI’s signature product on national television. The food item in question? Lean, finely textured beef. Sounds delicious, right?
Unfortunately, chances are you wouldn’t know this tasty treat’s proper name if you learned about it from Sawyer’s “report.” Why? Because she chose to repeatedly refer to it as “pink slime.” Pink slime! Which sounds absolutely horrible. I mean, seriously, what kind of asshole would want to eat something called pink slime?
(Full disclosure: I was and continue to be a huge fan of lean, finely textured beef in all of its beautiful forms, no matter what the lunatic left decides to call it. And I for one don’t appreciate being called an asshole, especially by the cowards at ABC.)
Anyhow, as a result of Sawyer’s hit piece, BPI’s revenues have plummeted to a paltry $130M from the respectable $650M they were pulling in at the time of the report. Hence the lawsuit, in which they’re seeking a well-deserved $1.2B in damages.
Well, I know I’ll be rooting for them as they march toward inevitable victory. Moreover, I call on all true Americans to cheer BPI as they execute this exciting legal maneuver. And what better way to support them than by enjoying scrumptious, rib-sticking meals made exclusively with lean, finely textured beef? Ask for it by name, and get it in its raw form; it’s like eating the brain of an angel.
In the end, a win for BPI won’t just help keep average Americans working and above-average Americans in their summer beach homes — it’ll also be a veritable stake of justice through the blackened, shriveled heart of the leeching vampire that is ABC News. I ask you, who wouldn’t want to see that?
So let’s make this happen, America. Do me and your country proud by going out and buying a shit-ton of BPI, and do it today. It’s what George Washington would’ve wanted, after all. Thank you, and good night.
*** The preceding post was funded in part by Beef Products Inc. BPI — Expect a Higher Standard. ***