One of the many benefits to hosting a blog at WordPress is the wealth of free statistical tools. With them, you can see how many visitors and page views you get per day, which pages are visited the most and my personal favorite, search terms that random strangers use to find your site.
Usually these are fairly innocuous. For example, numerous lost souls arrived at this dank corner of the Internet because they were seeking hot pictures of Kate Upton, who until recently was our featured Page 4 girl. (Which really has me second-guessing my decision to promote little-known Spanish sportscaster Lara Alvarez to that coveted pedestal. But then I look at her picture, drop my doubts and my pants, and move on with my day.)
Others came here because they wanted details on Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung’s nefarious Sandy Hook hoax, or they needed a discreet drug dealer. One sick bastard even wanted to read about, and I quote, “old fat men impregnating their wives.” Needless to say, I hope to Nixon that I never find myself stuck on an elevator with that creep.
But without a doubt, the most-used trail of breadcrumbs leading to my Funhouse, at least over the past 30 days, deals with 2012’s greatest sci-fi masterpiece, Dredd. More specifically, these desperate individuals were looking for:
- dredd porn;
- dredd movie porno;
- dredd movie porn;
- dredd porn movie; and the weird icing on this extremely disturbing cake,
- porni filma dredd 2012.
Whatever that last one means.
Now, don’t get me wrong. As a connoisseur of pornographic cinema, I’m well versed in the industry’s longstanding tradition of creating risqué versions of Hollywood blockbusters. Tits-tanic, The Load Warrior, Pump Friction, Flesh Gordon, When Harry Laid Sally, Star Whores, The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole, ad infinitum — I’ve seen them all, often multiple times. Except for that last one, which I turned off after 10 minutes while solemnly vowing to start paying more attention to films’ titles before hitting “play.”
But Dredd? Really? A flick about two uniformed officers gunning down an entire building full of 99 percenters? Frankly, I fail to see the erotic possibilities of such source material. Particularly given that it only features two female characters, one of which is hideous to gaze upon. I’m sorry, but I have no intention of ever again finding myself in a Benjamin’s Butthole situation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, so long as it stays off of my television and/or computer screen.
Regardless, never let it be said that Oswald J. Carver III is disinclined to give the public what it wants. So for you perverts who can’t wait to get it on Mega-City One style — enjoy.