Happy International Women’s Day

The phone rang once, twice, three times before a man with a singsong voice answered.

“Pete’s Poontang Emporium,” he said. “Pete speaking. How may my lovely ladies serve you?”

“Pete, it’s Mr. Carver,” I said, putting the call on speaker. “Listen, what kind of specials do you have going today?”

“Specials, Mr. Carver?” he said. “All my ladies special, you know that. How many you want?”

“Oh? So nothing in honor of International Women’s Day?”

“Ho ho, very funny. No women here, no womyn either. Just sexy, sexy ladies. How many you want?”

“I don’t know, I’m kind of a stickler for observing holidays. Do you have any who look like Gloria Steinem? Or maybe a young Carrie Nation?”

“What? Come on, I don’t keep any ugly ladies around here. Nothing but all sexy, all the time. They’re the people’s choice! How many you want?”

“Hmm,” I said, rubbing my chin as I mulled the question. “I guess make it six. And a mix of costumes. Let’s do one cheerleader, one nun, one dominatrix, one school teacher, one cop and just for shits and giggles, a clown.”

“Any preference for skin tone? Hair color? Eye color?”

“Rainbow it up, my good man.”

“You got it!” Pete said. “What time delivery? I can have them there within the hour, you just give the word.”

“Well, I’m still at work. Six o’clock should be good.”

“No problem,” he said. “You need them to bring anything? Lube? Contraceptives?”

“I have plenty of the former and never use the latter. And tell them to use the servants’ entrance this time. Don’t want to give the neighbors any more food for behind-my-back discussion than I already have.”

“No problem for a big spender like you, Mr. Carver. Thank you for your custom!”

As the line went dead, I glanced at the two rather shocked junior executives who had been waiting on me to finish. “Sorry about that,” I said. “Important call. My mother’s in the hospital or something. So, what do you have for me?”

Not much as it turned out, so they’ll both be receiving pink slips in lieu of paychecks next Friday. Anyhow, Happy International Women’s Day — let’s all celebrate it in style.

Categories: Business, Culture, Dating

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