Proving that I don’t solely use the Internet to watch filthy movies, today I discovered that literally anyone can be elected Pope* — no previous applicable experience required. So before Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung moves to capitalize on that loophole as he did with our own once-cherished presidency, I’m formally announcing my papal candidacy.
Essentially, I’m running on a six-plank platform:
- Wine at mass services to be replaced by a full bar, because God is a staunch proponent of freedom of choice;
- Those beggarly communion crackers to be replaced by a deli spread, because ditto;
- Old nuns to be replaced by young, sexy nuns to draw in more young men. If young men are good for the NFL, they’re good for the Catholic Church;
- Wives, husbands, mistresses, and gigolos will be A-OK for all clergy;
- A venture capitalism approach to acquiring and bankrupting other religions. Let’s see how long Islam lasts once it gets a taste of the KayBee Toys treatment; and
- No more perversity with kids. Seriously. Cut that shit out.
Anyhow, I urge all true Americans to write their cardinals, bishops, and priests to spread the word. I know I face a monumental uphill battle as a dark horse write-in hopeful, but with your help I’m sure we can get it done. Go in peace my children, and may the Force be with you.
* Provided they have a penis between their legs.