John Boehner Is Out Of His Merlot-Addled Mind

“Great Nixon’s Ghost!” I barked, staring at the television in disbelief. “Where did they find this useless moron? My teenage niece could do a better job than him!”

“What’s that now, guv’nor?” asked my butler Montgomery, arriving with the platter of his famous scrapple that I’d requested as an afternoon snack. “Bad play on your American football game I’d wager, wot wot?”

“What?” I said, turning to look at him. “No, football season ended a month ago. Ah good, the scrapple. Maybe that’ll take my mind off this nonsense.”

“And what nonsense would that be, m’lord?”

“John Boehner.”

“Oh?” Monty said as he laid out the repast. “What did he do this time? Caught buggering a small child was he, wot wot pip pip?”

“No, he—. Wait, why would you assume that?”

John Boehner

To the best of our knowledge, Republican House Speaker John Boehner has never even considered pedophilia.

“No reason.”

I stared bleakly at Montgomery for a time before continuing. “Anyhow, the right-honorable halfwit decided he had nothing better to do today than go on national television and agree with that socialist traitor in the White House that we don’t have an immediate debt crisis!”

“Ah, bad form on his part and no mistake. After all, we do have an immediate debt crisis, right guv’nor?”

“Well no,” I said, gazing longingly at the still-steaming scrapple. “But that’s not the point. The point is, he’s a Republican! If Obama says the sky is blue, we say it’s orange and scream ourselves hoarse to ensure that no dissenting opinions or alleged facts can be heard over the din of our righteous fury! It’s how we do things!”

“Very good, sir. Will you be needing anything else then, wot wot?”

I stuffed a heaping forkful of scrapple into my mouth and nodded. “Yes,” I said, “mayonnaise. And plenty of it. Oh, and let’s make it a turducken for tonight’s dinner.”

“Excellent choice, guv’nor. I’ll be right back with the mayonnaise. Cheerio!”

That goddamn Boehner. Oh well, I suppose you go to war with the army you have rather than the one you want. At least this latest outrage justifies my response to January’s news that the current GOP dolts in the House had reelected him as Speaker. Then again, everything I say is justified. Anyhow: scrapple. Toodle oo.

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Categories: Food, Idiots, Politics, Servants

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