I was in a meeting with two of my underlings at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) this morning when a news alert flashed on my Blackberry. My eyes exploded with shock, and I yanked the phone off my desk to ensure I wasn’t imagining things.
“Bottom line?” my VP of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk was saying. “Oglethorpe Sporting Goods is one of the ripest peaches I’ve seen in a long time. Once we arrange the financing, we’ll be able to bust the whole chain out like it’s the Bamboo Lounge in Goodfellas. Easy money!”
“I’m sure that’s true, Bob,” said my VP of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser, “but I am a little worried about it from a PR standpoint. I mean, every time we pull a Bain on one of these businesses, the press goes crazy on us! I—”
“Shut it, Schweinbumser!” I said. “If the press is going crazy on us, it tells me that my marketing chief isn’t doing his job. Besides—”
“But I’m the head of—” Schweinbumser started, forcing me to chuck a fountain pen at him. It bounced off his forehead, leaving a red mark and a small amount of ink in its wake.
“Ow!” Schweinbumser squawked.
“What have I told you about interrupting me?” I demanded.
“Uh, not to do it?”
“Exactly. Yet here we are.”
“Sorry boss,” Schweinbumser said. Meanwhile, Laudermilk made the ill-advised decision to start chuckling.
“Oh?” I said, grabbing another pen. “You want some too, Laudermilk?”
“Well it’s a good thing, because frankly I have bigger fish to fry. Have you guys seen this yet?” I held up my phone.
“No,” Laudermilk said with confidence.
“Sorry, too far for me to make out the text,” Schweinbumser said, squinting.
“Then get glasses.”
“I, uh, am wearing glasses, boss.”
Sure enough, he was. “Well then,” I said, “get better ones. Anyhow, the Republican National Committee has released the findings of its post-election analysis, and they’ve apparently decided that the best way for us to start winning elections again is to stop being Republicans.”
“Crazy,” Laudermilk said.
“What?” Schweinbumser added. “That doesn’t make any sense. Are you sure you’re reading it right?”
“I only know one way to read and I’ve been doing it a long time, Schweinbumser. So yes, I’m sure. Also—”
I flung another pen at him. This one hit him square in the chest and burst open, covering his shirt and tie with ink.
“That’s for questioning my ability to read!”
“Aw man,” he said, looking down at the mess. “This was a brand-new shirt.”
“Then buy another one when you go get better glasses. And try weighing your words before they come tumbling out of your mouth! I’m running out of pens over here.”
“Sorry boss. Won’t happen again.”
“Excuse me if I don’t hold my breath. But yes, the RNC’s plan is just as moronic as I make it sound.”
“What are the details?” Laudermilk said.
“For starters, they want us to start reaching out to minority groups. Preposterous! I pay a lot of money to live far away from minorities, particularly groups of them, and I’m not about to start hanging out with them at this point in my life.”
Schweinbumser frowned. “Geez, that’s pretty ra—”
“Yes?” I said, picking up another pen.
“Uh, pretty, um, ray-easonable? Reasonable. By which I mean your views on minorities, not the RNC’s plan.”
I nodded and placed the pen down. “Couldn’t agree with you more, Schweinbumser. Which means you’ll no doubt find the second plank of this plan to be equally laughable.”
“What is it, boss man?” Laudermilk said.
“They want the party to stop talking to itself so much! As if sitting down and discussing issues with people who have differing viewpoints has ever accomplished anything.”
“Hear hear,” said Laudermilk.
“But isn’t that how—,” Schweinbumser said.
“Yes, Schweinbumser?” I said, aiming the pen at him again. “Isn’t that how what?”
“Good. Anyhow, you guys can read the rest of the details on your own time. Though you’ll doubtlessly also find it interesting to know that the RNC is even asking party leaders to take a harder line with corporate America. In other words, they’re literally recommending that we go screw ourselves!”
“Straight-up bullshit,” Laudermilk said dismissively. “Sounds to me like we need new leadership in the RNC. Ever think about throwing your hat in the ring, boss man?”
“Perhaps once or twice, but the fact is I can make a lot more money in the private sector than in politics. And isn’t making money what it’s all about?”
“Amen!” they both cried in unison, just as I hurled a third pen at Schweinbumser. This one tore a hole in the sleeve of his sports coat, and he looked as if he was fit to cry.
“Oh, come on!” Schweinbumser said. “What was that for?”
“Sorry,” I said. “I just assumed you were about to say something stupid. But I’m glad I threw it regardless, because I can’t stand being proven wrong!”
And that was pretty much that. Speaking of which, I suppose it’s time for me to stop dwelling on the latest GOP embarrassment and get back to work. After all, Internet porn still hasn’t found a way to watch itself, now has it? Keep the faith, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.