As you’ve doubtlessly heard by now, my close friend, personal hero, and fellow conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh has once again landed himself in a tasty, albeit hot pot of stew due to his unabashedly correct views on women. This time, the brouhaha involves feminist role model Beyoncé and her refusal to date him. Something like that.
Anyhow, I decided to give him a call and get his side of the story. The ensuing conversation was both insightful and delightful, as you can see for yourself in the following transcript. Enjoy.
– – –
Rush Limbaugh: Yeah?
Oswald J. Carver III: Rush?
RL: Maybe. Who is this?
OC: Oz Carver.
OC: Oz Carver — Oswald Carver. We met at the East Egg Regatta last year?
RL: Not ringing any bells. How’d you get this number?
OC: You gave it to me. Last year.
RL: I did? [Sound of muffled farting.] Are you sure?
OC: Yeah, I’m sure. Listen, I—
RL: Oh wait. You’re the guy who had the Oxy connection. Right?
OC: Indeed I was. I—
RL: Hey great, I’ve been looking everywhere for your number but couldn’t for the life of me remember your name. Glad you called.
OC: Think nothing of it. So anyhow, I—
RL: Yeah, a couple of my normal avenues have sort of dried up lately and I really need to fortify the supply lines, you know what I mean? [Garbled laughter.]
OC: Well, sure. I mean, I can make some calls and—
RL: That would be great, really. Just great.
OC: Think nothing of it. So listen, while I have you on the phone—
RL: Oh shit.
RL: You’re not trying to sell me something, are you? Come on man, it’s Saturday morning.
OC: What? Of course not. For one thing, I’m a venture capitalist. For another, I’m fairly certain my net worth dwarfs your own.
RL: Hey, whatever gets you through the night, pal. Just so long as this isn’t a sales call.
OC: It’s not. It’s about this Beyoncé business.
RL: Oh Christ. That.
OC: Yeah. Just wanted to get your side of it for a piece I’m writing for my leading conservative blog.
RL: Here’s my side of it: Beyoncé can blow it out her ass!
OC: [Booming laughter.] Well said!
RL: I tell you, every time I speak the truth about women, I find myself on public trial. But the thing is, women should not be allowed on juries where the accused is a stud.
OC: Hear hear!
RL: I mean, my cat comes to me when she wants to be fed. I have learned this. I accept it for what it is. Many people in my position would think my cat’s coming to me because she loves me. Well, she likes me, and she is attached, but she comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her…she’s off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She’s smart enough to know she can’t feed herself. She’s actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn’t have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat’s taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.
RL: Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge supporter of women. What I’m not is a supporter of liberalism. Feminism is what I oppose. Feminism has led women astray. I love the women’s movement — especially when walking behind it.
OC: Hey-oh! [Booming laughter.]
RL: So yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say on that.
OC: Ha ha, yes, well it was certainly enlightening!
RL: Hey, when am I not! Oh, and one more thing: I want some of these women to start telling me what it is I must do to close the gender gap or, if not, what it is I must do to close the gender gap, what it is I’ve done that has caused the gender gap; assuming the gender gap is true and that the poll is true … I own the men, and what must I do now to own women?
OC: Well, I’ve never been one to see the benefit in owning women, but the next time you’re in East Egg I’ll show you a great place to rent them.
RL: Ha! Sounds like a deal!
OC: Alright Rush, a pleasure as—
RL: Oh, hey!
RL: Don’t leave me hanging on those Oxys, right? I’m counting on you, pal. America is counting on you.
OC: Not to worry, I’ll give you a call as soon as I hear something.
RL: Thanks, buddy — peace out.