I’m Cool So Long As No One Tries To Put A Ring On My Finger

I have a lot on my plate today, not the least of which involves acquiring a family-owned sporting goods company with 40 years of history, saddling it with debt to cover the purchase price, and eventually letting it slide into bankruptcy after sucking as many consulting fees and bonuses as possible from its rapidly decaying, undead frame. And that’s before lunch!

Anyhow, the point of the preceding schedule synopsis is that I don’t have much time to spare, so I’m going to keep this short. That and because I’ll be discussing a topic I enjoy about as much as passing gallstones (which I do, frequently): gay marriage. But given my status as a reigning conservative commentator, I suppose I should weigh in.

The thing is, anyone who wants to get married is either a moron or a woman. Frankly, I don’t care which so long as they leave me out of it, because I guarantee that I’ll never be caught making the Bachelor’s Mistake. Not so long as I can still rent my life partners by the hour, at least.

So whether it’s a moron and a woman, two morons, or two women at the altar, I’m fine with it — as should anyone who truly believes in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Which, truth be told, is why it boggles my mind that so many liberals seem to be in favor of this gay marriage business. After all, their hatred of American ideals is well-documented scientific fact.

Also, let it be known that I’ll pay top dollar for any gay female honeymoon footage that might be sent my way. Just so we’re clear on that. Now if you’ll excuse me, venture capitalism awaits. Ta ta.

Let All The Morons Marry

Categories: Business, Culture, Dating, Legal

Tags: , , , , ,

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