H Is For Hank

H Is For Hank

Is For Hank

I received a collect call last night from my close, personal friend Hank Williams Jr. Considering that today’s “A to Z April Challenge” topic was required to start with an “H,” his timing could not have been more fortuitous.

“Oz?” Hank said when I answered. “This is ol’ Randall Hank — Bocephus! How’s it going, son?”

“Everything is splendid here in East Egg, old friend,” I said. Which wasn’t entirely true. The abuse-resistant Oxys I recently acquired from my black-market druggist were wreaking havoc on my nasal passages, and I’d been constipated for three days. But I saw no reason to burden Hank with my problems. “How’s by you?”

“Not good, son. Not good at all. Truth be told, I done landed myself in a whole heap o’ trouble!”

“Oh? What happened?”

“Here’s the story. I’ve been partying down here in Tijuana for the past week, right?”

“OK.”

“Well, everything was happier than a bull in full rut till yesterday. Haw! I cooked a pig in the ground, had plenty of beer on ice — hell, I even had a Whirlpool made just for ten up in my suite!”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Here’s the problem, son! When I woke up this morning, ol’ Randall Hank was the one on ice!”

“How so?”

“I was in a bathtub filled with ice cubes, and a li’l note was taped to my hat.”

“What did it say?”

“Hold on, I’ll read it to you.” I heard rustling sounds, then he continued. “OK, it says, ‘Dear Señor Hank. We regret to inform you that we have taken one kidney, one lung, and your beard. You should seek medical attention ASAP.’ Oh, and then there’s a P.S.: ‘Your disapproval of Hank 3’s career is distressingly ironic.’ Can you beat that? They stole ol’ Randall Hank’s innards and beard, then gave him parenting advice to boot!”

“Well did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Seek medical attention?”

“Naw son, ’cause them on’ry cusses also stole my wallet! Passport too! Can’t pay no doctor, can’t get home — I ain’t know what I’m gonna do!”

“Here’s what you’re going to do — go to the nearest Western Union office and collect the funds I’m about to send you. Then go see a doctor immediately! These are dark enough times for our country; we don’t need to compound them with the loss of a true American hero.”

“Aw hell, Oz! You’re the best friend a dude could have!”

“Think nothing of it. Although there is something you could do for me in return.”

“Name it! So long as it only needs one kidney, one lung, and no beard, I’m your man!”

“Excellent. I’m looking to purchase a large quantity of OxyContin. Specifically, the kind with ‘OC’ printed on the front instead of ‘OP.’ Please ask your doctor about its availability in Mexico. I, uh, I have serious back issues.”

“Will do, son! I’m gonna hotfoot it on over to the Western Union right now. Don’t keep ol’ Randall Hank waiting, I’m dying to see if the doctors can regrow my beard! I look downright weird without it!”

Good old Hank. Like I always say, he’s dumber than a pile of rocks but there’s no finer drinking partner a man could ask for. Saluté.

[Part 8 of the ‘Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2013’ series: Prev/Next]

Front page Hank Williams Jr. photo source: Wikipedia

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Categories: Drugs, Health, Leisure

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