K Is For Klout

K Is For Klout

Is For Klout

“Hoo hoo, can’t wait to see my score!” I said. I was speaking with my blog administrator Shelton in the study, which had only just been refurbished following my butler’s unfortunate rib incident. “I bet mine’s higher than Limbaugh’s.”

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you,” Shelton said, fiddling with something on my computer. “I could be wrong, but from what I understand you have to be pretty damn famous to get a high rank.”

“‘I don’t know,’ ‘could be wrong,’ ‘from what I understand.’ Pathetic. You remind me of Schweinbumser with your cloying self-doubt. Besides, I am pretty damn—”


“Seventeen? What’s seventeen?”

“Your Klout score. It’s seventeen. Actually sixteen-point-something. I guess they round up.”

“Is that good?”

“No. It’s kind of low.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“I think so,” he said. He pointed to the screen and added: “Here, look. It’s a hundred-point scale, with a hundred being the best.”

Sure enough, Shelton spoke the truth — even if he still couldn’t muster the courage of his convictions. “Well, what about Limbaugh? What’s his score?”


Eighty-six? What does Hannity have?”

“Uh — eighty-seven.”

“Mother of—! Fine, surely I can beat Bill O’Reilly.”

“Hold on — nope, he has an eighty-one.”

“Oh, this is bullshit!”

“Sorry man.”

“Kindly take your sorries, put them in a box with razor-sharp edges, and shove them straight up your keister. Then beat it; I have work to do.”

“Uh, OK,” he said, rising from his seat. “Well I mean, are you going to pay me for coming over?”

“I pay for results, Shelton! Results! Not a bunch of mealy mouthed maybes. Now get out before I throw you out!”

“Come on, it’s not my fault that you—”


“Whatever. You know, you might want to keep in mind that I could kill you with a snap of my fingers.”

“You and whose cojones? Now out!

At long last, Shelton took the hint and departed. And good riddance as far as I’m concerned. Not really sure why I hired him in the first place, what with his slovenly appearance and complete lack of confidence. Whatever, I’m off to enjoy some Internet porn. Farewell.

[Part 11 of the ‘Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2013’ series: Prev/Next]

Front page photo source: MorgueFile

Categories: Culture, Servants

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5 replies

  1. Thank you for visiting my site, honoured sir. For my part, may I say how refreshing it is to be able to read the incisive thoughts of a great man who is not afraid to impart them to the less worthy.

    • Likewise; it’s not every day that a wit, raconteur, bon vivant, style guru, Nobel Prize winner, modern-day secular saint, best-selling author, and avidly-followed blogger honors my own little endeavor with a visit. (You may have said some stuff after that on your “About” blurb, but I have a short attention span.)

      If everyone were as great as us, this planet would have much less to worry about!

    • Thank you for the kind words, though I can’t for the life of me understand why people find anything I say to be funny. I assure you, I’m a very serious person!

      Speaking of which, I’m neck-deep in some venture capitalism business at the moment but will be sure to check out your blog later today. In the meantime, thanks for stopping by.

      • Sir
        I can only apologise for the undue mirth!

        I greatly appreciate your willingness to spend time reading my nonsense, potentially forfeiting some profits!

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