Good evening, fellow Americans. I’m essentially in recovery mode following the horrific events with which I was afflicted in April, but I wanted to fill you in on a big development. Turns out the stalwart leaders of the Tea Party Patriots needed my assistance in their straw poll; naturally, I was only too happy to oblige.
See, they’re worried that the GOP will again nominate some slack-jawed moderate loser like Mitt Romney or John McCain. So they asked me and other loyal members to help them fire a warning shot across the Washington establishment’s bow, as seen in this email.
I immediately jumped into action and cast my vote for the only listed candidate that appealed to both my deep hatred for the poor and middle class and my equally deep love of succulent hooters. Newt Gingrich wasn’t a listed choice, but even if he was the winner would still be:
Hopefully my early endorsement will lead to a spot on her campaign advisory staff. Which in turn will lead to me fitting Todd Palin for a nice set of horns. I’ll keep you posted.
Front page photo by Gage Skidmore; source: Wikimedia