Let’s face it: I hate a lot of things. The poor and the middle class. Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung. People who major in anything other than business while they’re in college. iPhones. Foreign cars. Foreigners in general. Gluten-free diets. Uppity women. Uppity minorities. Uppity children. Uppity female minority children. Children in general. Soccer. Gun control. Prescription drug control. Anti-prostitution laws. Vegetarians. My mother. Et al.
But there’s nothing — nothing — I despise more than a fake conservative. You know the type. People who claim to be card-carrying members of the GOP only to stake out ludicrously insane political positions, just to see how many real conservatives they can get to go along with them. Their goal, of course, is to make proud, true Americans like you and me look like ignorant, hate-filled boobs — and none of these fakers loom larger on the national stage than Stephen Colbert.
Which is why I was doubly pleased to read that noted philanderer and former governor Mark Sanford regained his old congressional seat and whipped Colbert’s sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, like a rented mule in the process. Heck, for all we know he romanced Elizabeth while he was at it. After all, if there’s anything Sanford understands better than South Carolina voters, it’s what the ladies want. And how.
OK, that’s all I got for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, soneone keeps adding a lot of really excellent porn to the Internet and I’ll never finish cataloging it all if I keep wasting time with you people. Good day and good luck.