Farewell To A Lunatic

Ah, nice of you to stop by. Be warned, though, that you’ve caught me in the master bath, where I’m currently giving birth to a particularly onerous bowl movement while perusing the morning news reports. What can I say? I take great enjoyment in life’s simple pleasures.

That’s the good part. The better part is that one of my vilest enemies, deranged Chick-fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy, died this morning at the age of 93. I believe the cause was syphilis, but to be honest I haven’t read the article and therefore can’t swear by my prognosis.

Granted, Cathy was close friends with my late father, Oswald J. Carver Jr., but I wouldn’t have pissed on one of the Jesus freak’s chicken sandwiches to save his life. I’m sure you can understand, given the long history of bullying — and fat-shaming — I endured from that mummified skidmark of a man.

I will say this for Cathy, though: He was as staunch a Republican as you’re likely to meet in this or any life. And Sainted Mother of Nixon, did he hate gay people!

At any rate, I’ve decided to take the day off to celebrate at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, after which I will fulfill my promise from March 12 of last year to — and I quote — “…drop a king-sized deuce with [Cathy’s] grave’s name on it.” Until my next sporadic update, toodle-oo.

Front page S. Truett Cathy photo source: Wikipedia

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Categories: Business, Culture, Food, Health, Idiots, Leisure, Politics

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 replies

  1. I have to admit, those sandwiches are pretty good. I feel bad whenever I eat them though. I better revert to KFC. Great, hilarious post by the way!

    • Thanks for your feedback, but I have bad news for you: The Colonel’s mind was so fixedly sideways that he made Truett seem positively sane by comparison. Wait until I open my own chain of fried chicken establishments; then you’ll know true flavor. Bear in mind, however, that we will only be selling entire deep-fried chickens, beaks and all, so it won’t be for the faint of heart.

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