Hey there, losers. Long time no enlighten you with my wisdom, huh? Well, there’s a reason for that—specifically, that I spent the past year-plus of Obama’s presidency sedating myself with fine opiates and nasty women. Not the Hillary Clinton variety of the latter, either, but the sort sung of by the late, great Rick James. Super freak, indeed!
Anyhow, as you may or may not have heard, particularly if you, like most liberals, get your news from MAD Magazine and virus-distributing websites, the American people have finally shit-canned Obama. And in the most amazing instance of my dreams coming true ever, you rubes basically elected me to be your new leader.
Let’s run through the checklist, shall we?
- Wealthy Beyond Your Wildest Dreams: Check. Not that your average working stiff has particularly far-reaching dreams, but still.
- Morbidly Obese: Check.
- Addicted to Drugs: Check. (Come on, did you not listen to the debates? My man was riding the white rails to V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!)
- Parties with Prostitutes: Check. Although he did bring it up past my own notch with all those water sports, but who am I to cast a stone?
- Racist: Yeah, sure, I can admit it in our bold new age—check.
Anyhow, now that we’ve been freed from the ravages of Obama’s America and the country is firmly back on the right track, I should be reporting in more often, but don’t go crying to me if it doesn’t work out that way. After all, you’re now living in Trump’s America, where the rich never have to do anything they don’t want to. Believe it!