Oh, hello there. I wasn’t expecting any visitors, so you’ll have to excuse the fact that I’m currently in a state of undress while elderly Vietnamese women slather medicinal lotion on my lower extremities. Keep your mind out of the gutter; it’s to help with my gout. (You can put your minds back in the gutter once the ladies from Pete’s Pussycat Emporium arrive later this evening. There will be nothing medicinal about that visit, I assure you.)
Anyhow, since you’re here, let’s raise a glass to the latest sexy executive—sexecutive?—actions from our fearless new leader, President Donald J. Trump:
The Wall: Frankly, as ecstatic as I am about the nation essentially electing me to be president, I continue to scratch my head over Trump’s adherence to this campaign promise. Sure, it will provide plenty of red meat for the poorer, less-educated members of his rabid base, but for a scion of one of East Egg’s wealthiest families such as myself, it means that OxyContin and Mexican donkey shows will be even harder to find on this side of the border. Either way, looks like it’s moving forward, which means I need to instruct my butler to track down some new supply lines.
Sanctuary Cities: I’ll be honest, I’m not even entirely sure what this means, and as I don’t read anything that doesn’t involve stock reports or centerfolds, I’m not likely to find out soon. But if it involves putting limp-wristed liberals under the boot, I’m all for it.
Voter Fraud Investigation: Anything designed to keep minorities and the poor out of the voting booth is OK in my book. Full speed ahead.
Alright, my gout treatment is over and it’s time for me to get in the tub, which means visiting hours are over. Unless, of course, any of you are attractive women, and even more so if you’re married and/or in a committed relationship. What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants. Catch you later.