I feel like such a fool. Here I thought, after the blizzard of executive-branch activity since Monday, that today might be a slow news day. My bad; I guess I forgot that President Trump only has one speed: coked out of his mind and full-blast ahead. Toot toot!
Anyhow, now that my six-martini/two-OxyContin lunch is done and I’m back in my palatial office, I suppose this is as good a time as any to break down the day’s news for those of you too stupid to follow your average Adult Swim cartoon program, much less earthshaking events of such magnitude. Let’s begin:
Senior State Department Officials Resign En Masse: Good riddance to this rubbish—and the fact that one of them is named Kennedy is just icing on the cake, regardless of whether he’s related to those Kennedys. Sure, some people say that these won’t be easy spots to fill, as private-sector people—aka job creators—won’t have the relevant experience to pick up these particular batons, but I say fuck that noise. After all, what has the past decade of State Department idiocy gotten us other than placed under an oil barrel by turban-wearing extras straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark? I say, put the most unqualified, best-connected-to-the-administration go-getters we can find and turn them loose. Can’t make an omelet without breaking all the eggs, after all.
Scientists Unite Against Trump: OK, this one kind of scares me. After all, if pop culture has taught us anything, it’s that scientists are unsavory eggheads whose sole purpose in life is to deploy fiendish schemes against heroic white males while shielding their chronic masturbation habits behind mildewed lab coats. Superman had Lex Luthor, the Fantastic Four had Dr. Doom, Hank Schrader had Walter White—the list goes on. If DJT calls for my advice, I’ll recommend rounding up the lot of these alleged doctors and depositing them on the wrong side of our upcoming Great Wall.
Mexican President Scraps Planned Meeting with DJT: Frankly, who cares. The only good Mexicans are the ones who can supply drugs and/or burritos, and my gut tells me that Pena Nieto doesn’t know how to score either. Adios, muchacho!
OK, time for me to split. I’m closing on a deal to acquire a small chain of family-owned drugstores later today, and I’m quite looking forward to liquidating their stock—particularly the OxyContin and boner pills, if you catch my drift—and punting the staff to the unemployment lines. Toodle-oo.