I Don’t Know Any Muslims So This Ban Business Is Fine By Me

It was kind of a wild weekend for me—nothing too outrageous mind you, just the usual call girls and Oxy rails—so I must sheepishly admit that I wasn’t up to speed on some of President Trump’s latest moves until I perused this morning’s paper at breakfast.

“What’s this about a Muslim ban, Montgomery?” I asked my butler as he brought out my meager repast, consisting of 12 eggs sunny-side up, a rasher of bacon, a pot of coffee, one toasted loaf of bread and four sticks of salted butter.

“Wot wot, guv’nor?” he replied in his posh British accent. “Mooz-lims you say? In a band?”

“No,” I said, before tucking into the eggs. “Mai sheds a mush lem blam.”

“Sorry guv’nor, wot?”

I chewed furiously to get the eggs down. “Sainted Mother of Nixon,” I said, pointing the fork at him for emphasis, “I said, ‘Muslim ban!’”

“Jolly good, sir.”



I sighed deeply, took another heaping bite of eggs, and swallowed before continuing. “Where are you from again, Monty?”

“Why, jolly old England of course.”

My eyes glanced downward to the paper, skimming the list of affected countries. “So, not from Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria or Yemen, then?”

“Of course not, sir. Pip pip.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, quite.”

“Harumph. Well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you for your sympathies, m’lord. Will you be requiring anything else before I head up to straighten your quarters?”

“No,” I said, then thought better of it. “Scratch that—better bring me some more butter. Doesn’t look like I have enough here.”

“Jolly good, sir.”

“Jolly good nothing. Don’t let it happen again!”

With that, Monty departed in search of more butter, leaving me to ponder the president’s latest 4-D chess moves. After five minutes of thought, though, it occurred to me that I don’t know any Muslims and wouldn’t care what happens to them if I did, so I finished my meal, dropped some kids off at the pool, so to speak, and headed into the office.

Speaking of which, seeing as this is a workday, perhaps you should find something more productive to do with your time than reading blogs, even ones as well written and factually sound as this one. After all, we’re making America great again, people—all aboard!

Categories: Culture, Dating, Drugs, Food, Legal, Leisure, Politics, Servants

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