Author Archives
The founder and CEO of Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), Oswald “Oz” Jameson Carver III is a heavily in-demand political and business guru, one-man conservative think tank, and culture warrior who frequently sounds off on various social issues of the day.
Moreover, Mr. Carver’s famous naked massages are always available at no cost to his female admirers. Provided, of course, they aren’t ugly. No fat chicks either.
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Bingo
Holy shit. My scratch-off ticket — it’s a winner. For a cool 10 grand no less. The ironic thing is I’m already worth millions, so this means nothing to me. I bet a lot of you readers could really use… Read More ›
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That’s A Lot Of Blood
And it’s all over my bedroom. To make matters worse? I have no idea where it came from. So, it looks like I have some work to do. Breathe a word of this to the cops and I swear you’re… Read More ›
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I’ll Wipe My Own Ass, Thank You
“…and I’d like it ‘Super Sized,’ please.” Silence from the PA box. And then: “Uh, sir? We don’t offer the Super Size anymore.” “What do you mean, you don’t offer the Super Size? Is this McDonald’s or not?” The question… Read More ›
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I Like My Sabbath Like I Like My Coffee
The day started in one godawful manner. I was sleeping comfortably in my luxurious king-sized bed when my slumber was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of a lawnmower. I tossed and turned a bit, but to no avail. Glancing at… Read More ›
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Fire It Up
The grill, that is. I just sent the maid to Piggly Wiggly for a score of their finest New York strip steaks, and I don’t plan on sleeping ’til at least half of them are resting in my belly. Comfortably… Read More ›
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That Was A Close Call
Well. Things certainly got a little heated during the evening commute. “I’m gonna kill you, you fat honky bastard!” This was the driver in the car to my right. At least, I think that’s what he said. It was a little… Read More ›
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I Love Me Some Secretaries
Maybe you didn’t know it, but today is National Secretary Day. So hugs and kisses to all you hot tomato secretaries out there. Sure, they call it “National Administrative Professionals Day” these days, but where I come from we call… Read More ›
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That’s A Lot Of Pudding
Here’s how it went down. I was using my new ZoomMaster 9000 telescope this morning. You know, taking the lay of the land. It’s one of those big jobs, about the size of an oil drum with a lens that… Read More ›
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Old People Suck Ass
So I went golfing today. Not the best weather for it — overcast and drizzly throughout — but nothing a rough customer like myself couldn’t handle. Old people, however, are another matter. Take the geezers who were playing ahead of… Read More ›
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Why Shouldn’t We Euthanize The Dumb?
Listen. Here’s the thing. I don’t ask much of the people who work for me. Show up more or less on time. Don’t take longer lunches than I do. And for christ’s sake, put the teensiest bit of professional care… Read More ›
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Goddamn I Love Cheese
I just realized that. Funny how something can be right in front of your face for so long yet you keep on missing it. Oh well, better late than never. Needless to say, it’s time for me to go eat… Read More ›
