Author Archives

The founder and CEO of Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), Oswald “Oz” Jameson Carver III is a heavily in-demand political and business guru, one-man conservative think tank, and culture warrior who frequently sounds off on various social issues of the day.

Moreover, Mr. Carver’s famous naked massages are always available at no cost to his female admirers. Provided, of course, they aren’t ugly. No fat chicks either.

  • Y Is For Yacht

    “Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›

  • X Is For XXX

    With trembling hands, my butler Montgomery gently handed me the large tan-and-brown jug marked with a black “XXX.” After relieving him of the vessel, I pulled the cork and took a deep sniff of the sweet, sweet moonshine within. “Mmm-mmm,”… Read More ›

  • W Is For What

    I decided to do a little snooping around the office yesterday — you know, see what kind of dirt I could dig up on my employees — and found myself in the main break room shortly after eleven o’clock. No one else… Read More ›

  • V Is For Vengeance

    “Greetings Mister Father! At last we meet again. It appears reports of both our deaths were greatly exaggerated!” The guy spouting the clichés was my adopted son Kang, aka Batukhang Chuluun, aka Oswald J. Carver IV, whom I thought had… Read More ›

  • U Is For Ugly

    White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›

  • T Is For Tea

    I won’t lie to you; I’ve been busier than an Obama-era food stamp office during the past few weeks. In addition to the still-ongoing “Blogging From A to Z April Challenge,” I’ve encountered a slew of recent personal and professional… Read More ›

  • S Is For STD

    The examination room was cold as ice, and I certainly didn’t appreciate being left to wait in my skivvies for such an extended period. In fact, I was about to go flag down a nurse to inquire about the holdup… Read More ›

  • R Is For Rush

    I’d been sitting by the phone with naught but a pitcher of Old Fashioneds, a tray of hoagies, and the third season of Downton Abbey for company, waiting on an important call from my close, personal friend Rush Limbaugh. He’d expressed… Read More ›

  • Q Is For Quit

    “Come in,” I said to my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk as he entered my office. “Have a seat. Would you care for a drink? An Old Fashioned, perhaps? Maybe a martini if you prefer something lighter?” Laudermilk waved… Read More ›

  • P Is For Pussycat

    I arrived home from work to find a large, pink party bus parked in my estate’s expansive driveway, “Pete’s Pussycat Emporium” emblazoned on the side. I pulled up next to it and observed a familiar figure seated at the steering… Read More ›

  • O Is For OxyContin

    My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a long blond wig, a matching fake beard, and a… Read More ›