Let’s face it: I hate a lot of things. The poor and the middle class. Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung. People who major in anything other than business while they’re in college. iPhones. Foreign cars. Foreigners in general. Gluten-free diets…. Read More ›
Good evening, fellow Americans. I’m essentially in recovery mode following the horrific events with which I was afflicted in April, but I wanted to fill you in on a big development. Turns out the stalwart leaders of the Tea Party… Read More ›
“Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›
White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
I arrived home from work to find a large, pink party bus parked in my estate’s expansive driveway, “Pete’s Pussycat Emporium” emblazoned on the side. I pulled up next to it and observed a familiar figure seated at the steering… Read More ›
“Good morning, Mr. Carver,” said Carver Consolidated Capital’s (C3’s) office manager Ms. Cashtushy as I hustled through the front door. “Can I—” “No,” I said, brusquely waving her off. I then headed down the hallway, only to encounter my dimwitted… Read More ›
May all your zombie-savior candy dreams come true. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to chaperone a sexy egg hunt for six call girls wearing classic Playboy Bunny costumes. Ta ta.
I have a lot on my plate today, not the least of which involves acquiring a family-owned sporting goods company with 40 years of history, saddling it with debt to cover the purchase price, and eventually letting it slide into… Read More ›
Yes, the rumors are true: International sex symbol Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox is waist deep in legal trouble again, after Italy’s highest criminal court overturned her acquittal and ordered her to once more stand trial on those preposterous, trumped-up murder… Read More ›
I had just finished breakfast and was skimming the news when an item caught my eye. “Ha!” I said to no one in particular. “Might as well fund next-generation testicle sandpaper while you’re at it, you four-eyed geek!” “Wot wot?”… Read More ›
The two bums circled each other slowly in the dusty, litter-strewn parking lot. Neither was in a rush to bring the fight to the other and frankly, I was growing restless. “Come on you worthless blights, let’s get this party… Read More ›
