That’s the last time I go drinking with my idiot VP, Sherm Schweinbumser. It was his birthday, so I decided to take him to the local Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club for an extended liquid lunch. Dutch treat, of course. Little… Read More ›
Drugs
I Didn’t Give At The Office, Either
I was enjoying an after-work cocktail in the den when my houseboy burst into the room. He made the usual hissing and spitting sounds that pass for language amongst his people, waving crazily at the phone on my desk. “What?”… Read More ›
Toot Toot
No doubt about it — my new yacht is worth every penny. And believe me, I paid plenty of pennies for that beauty. More than most of you will ever have, that’s for sure. I took her out on her maiden voyage… Read More ›
That’s One Depressing Movie
Ugh. I’m nauseated. Why? I finally got around to watching Requiem for a Dream for the first time. Yeah, yeah, so it came out in 2000. So what. It’s a disgusting movie, and I wish I’d put it off longer. As… Read More ›
What Time Is It?
Shit, what day is it for that matter? I just woke up, and found myself lying in a drying pool of vomit on the kitchen floor. I have no idea how I got there, how long I was out, or… Read More ›
Al Gore Doesn’t Know The Score
What is this nonsense? This “Al Gore has a new movie about his environmental slideshow presentation, and everyone’s getting all excited about it” business, hmm? We’re talking about the same Al Gore, right? Tall guy? Looks kind of like a… Read More ›
Keep Your Laws Off My Steering Wheel
“Okay, Mr. Carver?” said the highway patrolman. “I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.” “Show you my testicles?” I said, confused. “What are you doing outside, officer? Come in, come in! I’m no dope-sucking… Read More ›
I’m In Oxy Heaven
Yeah, so I’m out of the hospital. But I’ll be wearing an ass-splint for the next month, plus one of those conical plastic collars given to dogs after surgery. I’m getting a second opinion on the latter, though; Nurse Lola‘s the one… Read More ›
It Hurts When I Pee
It’s like pissing tacks, I tell you. Which can only mean one thing: I’ve got the clap. Or as I like to call it, gonorrhea. Ah well. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had it, and it probably… Read More ›
I Am The Walrus
Goo Goo Ga Joob, bitch. And by the way, this cold medicine isn’t worth a shit. You hear me?! Not! Worth! A! Shit!
I’ll Wipe My Own Ass, Thank You
“…and I’d like it ‘Super Sized,’ please.” Silence from the PA box. And then: “Uh, sir? We don’t offer the Super Size anymore.” “What do you mean, you don’t offer the Super Size? Is this McDonald’s or not?” The question… Read More ›
