“Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›
White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
The examination room was cold as ice, and I certainly didn’t appreciate being left to wait in my skivvies for such an extended period. In fact, I was about to go flag down a nurse to inquire about the holdup… Read More ›
I’d been sitting by the phone with naught but a pitcher of Old Fashioneds, a tray of hoagies, and the third season of Downton Abbey for company, waiting on an important call from my close, personal friend Rush Limbaugh. He’d expressed… Read More ›
My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a long blond wig, a matching fake beard, and a… Read More ›
My desktop intercom beeped yesterday afternoon but as I was neck-deep in some very important work, I decided to ignore it. Whoever was trying to reach me wasn’t taking “no” for an answer though, because I received a longer beep… Read More ›
Following a long night at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, I was en route to my palatial estate when a low-paid civil servant with a gun and a badge had the temerity to pull me over. “Good evening, sir,” she said… Read More ›
I received a collect call last night from my close, personal friend Hank Williams Jr. Considering that today’s “A to Z April Challenge” topic was required to start with an “H,” his timing could not have been more fortuitous. “Oz?”… Read More ›
I’d been waiting around the parking lot of a local McDonald’s for a good fifteen minutes when my black-market prescription-medication procurer Skynyrd Dave finally arrived. He was driving a bright-yellow ‘70s-era Camaro with severe muffler issues, Nazareth’s “Hair of the… Read More ›
Yes, the rumors are true: International sex symbol Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox is waist deep in legal trouble again, after Italy’s highest criminal court overturned her acquittal and ordered her to once more stand trial on those preposterous, trumped-up murder… Read More ›
I had just finished breakfast and was skimming the news when an item caught my eye. “Ha!” I said to no one in particular. “Might as well fund next-generation testicle sandpaper while you’re at it, you four-eyed geek!” “Wot wot?”… Read More ›
