I awoke this morning in a damp, musty basement that reeked of incense, stale sweat, moldy pizza, soiled underpants, cat litter, marijuana, and despair. My head was throbbing, my skin felt like burned ice, and the most horrible hip hop… Read More ›
Abortion
Happy Birthday, Roe v. Wade
With apologies to Tracy Morgan, those who know me know that I have two hobbies: making money and getting girls pregnant. And by “girls” I mean paid sex workers. That being said, it would never do for a man of my… Read More ›
Being Poor Is Absolutely The Worst Thing Ever
“Yo! How long you gonna be in there, dog?” I sighed. It’s bad enough that, since September of last year, I’ve lost my job, my fortune, and my steady supply of high-grade prescription painkillers. Even worse that I spent four… Read More ›
My Son Is An Idiot
“Montgomery?” I said to my butler shortly after returning from work this afternoon. “Why is there a hirsute Asian lad reading Jughead comic books at the dining room table?” “Wot wot?” Montgomery replied, sticking his head out from the pantry…. Read More ›
A Literally Ugly Pattern Is Emerging
It should come as no surprise that Barack Hussein Obama — a man who had absolutely no executive experience before becoming our nation’s first usurper-president — has chosen a Supreme Court candidate with absolutely no judicial experience to fill the… Read More ›
Legally Speaking, I’m A Father
Yes, this is really happening. As a result of a recent settlement that enabled me to evade a host of criminal and civil charges stemming from alleged systematic abuse of my former houseboy, Kang, I have agreed to adopt the… Read More ›
Goddamn I Love A Good Cockfight
Get your minds out of the gutter. For one, what you’re thinking of is a swordfight. For two, I’m talking about the Sport of Kings. No, not that one. The other Sport of Kings. The one that involves two roosters tearing… Read More ›
Of Course I Want A Happy Ending
This was me to Juanette, the new girl at Madame Ching’s House of Exotic Massage. “I mean, shit. I’m paying good money, ain’t I?” That’s when she burst into tears, going on and on about being the victim of a… Read More ›
