“Come in,” I said to my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk as he entered my office. “Have a seat. Would you care for a drink? An Old Fashioned, perhaps? Maybe a martini if you prefer something lighter?” Laudermilk waved… Read More ›
Business
P Is For Pussycat
I arrived home from work to find a large, pink party bus parked in my estate’s expansive driveway, “Pete’s Pussycat Emporium” emblazoned on the side. I pulled up next to it and observed a familiar figure seated at the steering… Read More ›
N Is For No
“Good morning, Mr. Carver,” said Carver Consolidated Capital’s (C3’s) office manager Ms. Cashtushy as I hustled through the front door. “Can I—” “No,” I said, brusquely waving her off. I then headed down the hallway, only to encounter my dimwitted… Read More ›
L Is For Lawyer
My desktop intercom beeped yesterday afternoon but as I was neck-deep in some very important work, I decided to ignore it. Whoever was trying to reach me wasn’t taking “no” for an answer though, because I received a longer beep… Read More ›
E Is For Easy
“Once everything’s settled,” said my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk, “it looks like we’ll clear a good twenty million, maybe more, off this Oglethorpe Sporting Goods deal.” We were in my office at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), dotting the… Read More ›
C Is For Cashtushy
“You really must admit — this is rich.” That was me to my former personal secretary Ms. Cashtushy. We were in the conference room at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), discussing her résumé submission for the office manager position I’d recently advertised…. Read More ›
A Is For Ambush
My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his office and flicked on the light, never noticing that I was standing adjacent to the door with my back to the wall. He made a beeline for his desk and as… Read More ›
I’m Cool So Long As No One Tries To Put A Ring On My Finger
I have a lot on my plate today, not the least of which involves acquiring a family-owned sporting goods company with 40 years of history, saddling it with debt to cover the purchase price, and eventually letting it slide into… Read More ›
Why Don’t We Change Our Mascot To A Hippie And Call Ourselves The Dope-Smoking Party While We’re At It?
I was in a meeting with two of my underlings at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) this morning when a news alert flashed on my Blackberry. My eyes exploded with shock, and I yanked the phone off my desk to ensure… Read More ›
Seven, Everyone’s A Loser
“For East Egg!” I bellowed, my homeland’s battle cry echoing off the walls of the dank and dusty back alley where I was engaged in a game of dice with three rather disreputable-looking gentlemen. I threw with gusto and rolled my… Read More ›
Paul Ryan’s Latest Budget Is Getting Me All Hot
I decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club with two of my former associates from Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, Charles “Chuck” Luddite XV and Leo Dreisdale. Once our orders were placed and our drinks had arrived, the conversation naturally… Read More ›
